Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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