I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
