Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
