I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.