life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
