My friends, they love my intelligence
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.