My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
