WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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