last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
