i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
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The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
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There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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