I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
