It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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