Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
