no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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