You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
