Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
