I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
