You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
