Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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