we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
