All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
