I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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