Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
