I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
you inspire me to be a worse person
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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