The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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