I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i think i have two assholes
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
