The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
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You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
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The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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