Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
