Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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