I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
