Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
