So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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