she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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