hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I would fuck him just for his dog
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
