uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
