I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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