you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
