Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
