Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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