WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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