I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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