Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
