I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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