Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
