I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just invented taco cereal.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
