Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
