I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
i think i just lost a toe
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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