I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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