God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
