I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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