I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
