yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
