hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Boobs speak an international language.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
