dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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