Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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