Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
